September of Hell

I am back to square one.

I’ve been through hell. This month was hell.

I’ve been through that phase once again where I didn’t know what I was doing, what’s my purpose in life and why am I doing this.

I took a semester off in college. The reason was I was sick. Physically and mentally. The mental stress that I had took the toll and took over my physical health causing me to get sick and miss my classes. I had been sick for the past two years and finally I found the root of it. It was caused by my depression. I know you’ll think of me as one crazy kid but I had so many problems so I tried to kill myself multiple time. I know that’s bad but you’ll come into that point in your life where you want to end everything. I felt that again.

I didn’t attend my class for the whole month because I’ve been through that phase again. I came up with lame excuses to tell the people around me why I am not attending my class. I had to lie just to tell myself it was okay to take the time off even though it isn’t.

“Why am I so happy? Do I deserve this happiness I am currently having?”

I thought of that in the middle of talking and laughing my heart out with my friends. I’ve been so happy that I think I don’t deserve it. I’m stupid, right?

My mood since then plummeted especially when one of my friends talked to me and told me she doesn’t know what she was doing anymore. I didn’t answer because at that time I didn’t know what I was doing in my life either. I started secluding myself again, slowly isolating myself like what I did months ago.

The funny part of this is that the same things I did before I left the university, it happened again. I had some organization commitment going on, I attended a debut, I didn’t attend my classes for a long time.

“It’s happening again,” I told myself as I watch my pre-school teacher giving her message to her daughter (the debutante).

It’s funny, it’s like God is testing me in the waters once again.

Then, I thought of it again. I thought of what I did the whole weekend.

Thoughts overwhelmed me. Here are some of it:

“Why am I doing this?”

“I pity my parents for having a daughter like this.”

“It was partially their fault.”

“Is this what I really want?”

“Fuck everything.”

Then I realized that there are two possible routes in front of me. 1: Quit college and pursue my dreams 2: Continue what I started and see what future is ahead of me

I went for the latter part. If I quit, I would live as a failure but still I am a failure for not pursuing what I wanted. I am still trying to pursue my dreams but it’s hard since there are things that I need to prioritize. The university that I am currently studying at is the top in our country and it’s not easy to get here so if I quit it’s like I didn’t take up the challenge that life gave for me to take.

The thing is it’s always manga and anime who helped me realize what I am supposed to be doing in life.

Ansatsu Kyoushitsu (Assassination Classroom) brought me back to my feet again. A lot of what Koro-sensei said struck my heart. It made cry so much that I slowly realized what I wanted in life.

Then this morning I was reading a manga called Stella to Millefeuille, one of the character said that it’s not what you should do in life, it’s what you wanted to do in life.

It’s funny how my hobby takes me back to the right path that I should go. That’s why don’t quit doing what you do and still keep doing it because they answer the questions that you have in life.

I said too much and I have a 7am class tomorrow. I’ll go back to class like the usual and face the reality that I should be facing. Here I am going back after straying down my path, trying to fight my depression and trying to be the ‘me’ who I used to be, establishing the ‘me’ that would face the future with all smiles and days that are filled with fun and laughter.

PS: unbeta-ed, because I am sleepy as fuck, I’ll proofread later :DDDD

“You’ll never understand.”

You never understood me.

I did my best to be able to be worthy of your praise. The smiles you gave to her were different to what you give to mine, so I worked harder. I worked until I break so that you can give me those smiles that I’ve always wanted.

I achieved higher. So high that I thought I will never fall down. I graduated with flying colors. I passed all my entrance exams. I got into the school that you wanted. I took the degree program that you suggested.

I did everything. I am doing my best but you never felt it.

I am thankful for all the love and support that you gave me. They are immeasurable. It’s beyond my current powers to give back all of it for you to deserve. I still lack the ability to give back because my current self is still in need of it. But, the love and support you gave me slowly strangled me into something I cannot comprehend. Your love for me was too much that it drives me to death.

You made me into this. I wanted to tell you that. It was your fault that I cannot open up with other people. When I tried to talk to you, you laughed at me hysterically, thinking it was a kid’s joke. You didn’t know how deep those wound you gave me. I was expecting a good talk between you and me but you just brushed it and leaving me as is.

I took piano lessons. I went to ballet class. I became the valedictorian of my class. I achieved everything that you wanted but you never listened to what I wanted back. I wanted to be a writer but you turned a blind eye on my decision. Since you said, you knew the best, I followed you but I didn’t know it was for me to see hell.

My first year in college was great, you praised me when I achieved good grades even though you told me that you didn’t want me to achieve higher since college was different. Second year, third year, fourth year, I’ve seen hell. It came to the point that I wanted to end it all.

I am in pain, still in great pain. The wounds you’ve given me recently still haven’t healed. I took a semester off in college. I wasn’t able to take it anymore. I was doing my best to strive harder, to graduate and work my ass off to support our family that is slowly falling to pieces but then I broke down mentally and physically.

I got sick. My mind was filled with nothing but me trying to kill myself to end it all. I hated myself until I turned into a freaking monster who smiles at people even though I am in a great pain inside. Words such as, ‘You can do it.’, ‘It’s okay’, such comforting words are so painful to even bear.

I was so sorry when I told you that I cannot do it anymore. That I wanted to quit. I thought you were supportive of my decision because all my life, all I did was to listen to what you wanted. Like always, you didn’t. I know it was painful for you that you’re eldest child is going through something you can’t explain. I tried to understand that since we lived in a different generations. You never felt this because I knew you both grew up in the province. You both have been through different things but I wished that a part of you understand what I am going through.

I talked to you about my current situation but you never understood my point. You thought I am the bad girl once again. I never felt that I was right in the household. I always feel that a part of me is detached from all of you.

The most painful part of staying at home is listening to your endless rants of how useless I am to you. You all think that I don’t understand anything about our family. I do, I wanted to strive hard because I wanted you to be happy.

I didn’t pursue any of my dreams so you could be happy. I quit art class, I quit piano, I quit writing, I quit every single thing that can hinder me from getting what you wanted and this is what I get. I didn’t know what I did to deserve to be treated like this.

I know I am in no position to say this since I am your daughter and you are my parents. I respect both of you but I hope you respected what I wanted to.

I am still hoping that there comes a point in your life that you’ll finally understand me.

PS. I can’t believe I cried while writing this.

To: A

[1]

My love story is filled with wrong decisions and regret.

I fell in love at the wrong time.

I fell in love with the wrong person.

I left the person who loved me the most,

And watched him wait for me until he died.

(2)

“I let you go,” you said with all smiles.

I swallowed my lump of feelings for you stuck down on my throat.

I thought, it could let me think that you let me go.

You didn’t.

You let me go but you never let go of my heart.

You brought it with you until your last breath.

{3}

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I regret that I never get to love you.