“You’ll never understand.”

You never understood me.

I did my best to be able to be worthy of your praise. The smiles you gave to her were different to what you give to mine, so I worked harder. I worked until I break so that you can give me those smiles that I’ve always wanted.

I achieved higher. So high that I thought I will never fall down. I graduated with flying colors. I passed all my entrance exams. I got into the school that you wanted. I took the degree program that you suggested.

I did everything. I am doing my best but you never felt it.

I am thankful for all the love and support that you gave me. They are immeasurable. It’s beyond my current powers to give back all of it for you to deserve. I still lack the ability to give back because my current self is still in need of it. But, the love and support you gave me slowly strangled me into something I cannot comprehend. Your love for me was too much that it drives me to death.

You made me into this. I wanted to tell you that. It was your fault that I cannot open up with other people. When I tried to talk to you, you laughed at me hysterically, thinking it was a kid’s joke. You didn’t know how deep those wound you gave me. I was expecting a good talk between you and me but you just brushed it and leaving me as is.

I took piano lessons. I went to ballet class. I became the valedictorian of my class. I achieved everything that you wanted but you never listened to what I wanted back. I wanted to be a writer but you turned a blind eye on my decision. Since you said, you knew the best, I followed you but I didn’t know it was for me to see hell.

My first year in college was great, you praised me when I achieved good grades even though you told me that you didn’t want me to achieve higher since college was different. Second year, third year, fourth year, I’ve seen hell. It came to the point that I wanted to end it all.

I am in pain, still in great pain. The wounds you’ve given me recently still haven’t healed. I took a semester off in college. I wasn’t able to take it anymore. I was doing my best to strive harder, to graduate and work my ass off to support our family that is slowly falling to pieces but then I broke down mentally and physically.

I got sick. My mind was filled with nothing but me trying to kill myself to end it all. I hated myself until I turned into a freaking monster who smiles at people even though I am in a great pain inside. Words such as, ‘You can do it.’, ‘It’s okay’, such comforting words are so painful to even bear.

I was so sorry when I told you that I cannot do it anymore. That I wanted to quit. I thought you were supportive of my decision because all my life, all I did was to listen to what you wanted. Like always, you didn’t. I know it was painful for you that you’re eldest child is going through something you can’t explain. I tried to understand that since we lived in a different generations. You never felt this because I knew you both grew up in the province. You both have been through different things but I wished that a part of you understand what I am going through.

I talked to you about my current situation but you never understood my point. You thought I am the bad girl once again. I never felt that I was right in the household. I always feel that a part of me is detached from all of you.

The most painful part of staying at home is listening to your endless rants of how useless I am to you. You all think that I don’t understand anything about our family. I do, I wanted to strive hard because I wanted you to be happy.

I didn’t pursue any of my dreams so you could be happy. I quit art class, I quit piano, I quit writing, I quit every single thing that can hinder me from getting what you wanted and this is what I get. I didn’t know what I did to deserve to be treated like this.

I know I am in no position to say this since I am your daughter and you are my parents. I respect both of you but I hope you respected what I wanted to.

I am still hoping that there comes a point in your life that you’ll finally understand me.

PS. I can’t believe I cried while writing this.

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3 comments

  1. hopingandmunching · September 9, 2015

    I am sure that this was very hard for you to write. I understand where you are coming from. It’s so hard to disagree with your parents- and give up doing what you love. I am a writer too, and being a writer and not writing is like being alive and not breathing. Okay, huge exaggeration, sorry 🙂 I am sorry you went through all that. My heart goes out to you, and I think that you will find happiness and acceptance. You are still young and you mean everything.

    Liked by 1 person

    • kyotohime · September 9, 2015

      It was. It’s like taking a big leap from what I used to do and kind of felt good. I don’t want to put my parents on the bad side. I just wanted to tell how I feel. Thank you for the lovely words you gave me, it means a lot especially that I just got back to school to continue my studies and finally coping up with my depression. No, you aren’t exaggerating. When I was depressed, writing was the only friend I had. It was the only escape and the only thing that keeps me breathing. Writing saved me and made me realize a lot of things. I’ve said too much, hahaha. Thank you, I really mean it. 😀

      Like

      • hopingandmunching · September 9, 2015

        I know what you mean. I would encourage you to continue to do those things in your spare time. Even if your grades suffer (which may not be the case at all) then I think that is better then you suffering. Your parents should try to understand that.
        I am a writer, but I also want to be an attorney. Not sure if I can do it all. But it’s always important to do what you like!

        Liked by 1 person

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