September of Hell

I am back to square one.

I’ve been through hell. This month was hell.

I’ve been through that phase once again where I didn’t know what I was doing, what’s my purpose in life and why am I doing this.

I took a semester off in college. The reason was I was sick. Physically and mentally. The mental stress that I had took the toll and took over my physical health causing me to get sick and miss my classes. I had been sick for the past two years and finally I found the root of it. It was caused by my depression. I know you’ll think of me as one crazy kid but I had so many problems so I tried to kill myself multiple time. I know that’s bad but you’ll come into that point in your life where you want to end everything. I felt that again.

I didn’t attend my class for the whole month because I’ve been through that phase again. I came up with lame excuses to tell the people around me why I am not attending my class. I had to lie just to tell myself it was okay to take the time off even though it isn’t.

“Why am I so happy? Do I deserve this happiness I am currently having?”

I thought of that in the middle of talking and laughing my heart out with my friends. I’ve been so happy that I think I don’t deserve it. I’m stupid, right?

My mood since then plummeted especially when one of my friends talked to me and told me she doesn’t know what she was doing anymore. I didn’t answer because at that time I didn’t know what I was doing in my life either. I started secluding myself again, slowly isolating myself like what I did months ago.

The funny part of this is that the same things I did before I left the university, it happened again. I had some organization commitment going on, I attended a debut, I didn’t attend my classes for a long time.

“It’s happening again,” I told myself as I watch my pre-school teacher giving her message to her daughter (the debutante).

It’s funny, it’s like God is testing me in the waters once again.

Then, I thought of it again. I thought of what I did the whole weekend.

Thoughts overwhelmed me. Here are some of it:

“Why am I doing this?”

“I pity my parents for having a daughter like this.”

“It was partially their fault.”

“Is this what I really want?”

“Fuck everything.”

Then I realized that there are two possible routes in front of me. 1: Quit college and pursue my dreams 2: Continue what I started and see what future is ahead of me

I went for the latter part. If I quit, I would live as a failure but still I am a failure for not pursuing what I wanted. I am still trying to pursue my dreams but it’s hard since there are things that I need to prioritize. The university that I am currently studying at is the top in our country and it’s not easy to get here so if I quit it’s like I didn’t take up the challenge that life gave for me to take.

The thing is it’s always manga and anime who helped me realize what I am supposed to be doing in life.

Ansatsu Kyoushitsu (Assassination Classroom) brought me back to my feet again. A lot of what Koro-sensei said struck my heart. It made cry so much that I slowly realized what I wanted in life.

Then this morning I was reading a manga called Stella to Millefeuille, one of the character said that it’s not what you should do in life, it’s what you wanted to do in life.

It’s funny how my hobby takes me back to the right path that I should go. That’s why don’t quit doing what you do and still keep doing it because they answer the questions that you have in life.

I said too much and I have a 7am class tomorrow. I’ll go back to class like the usual and face the reality that I should be facing. Here I am going back after straying down my path, trying to fight my depression and trying to be the ‘me’ who I used to be, establishing the ‘me’ that would face the future with all smiles and days that are filled with fun and laughter.

PS: unbeta-ed, because I am sleepy as fuck, I’ll proofread later :DDDD

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